Deep in the Act
Quality Check: Isalee
First Published on Chaleuria
Warning: Contains descriptions of rape
He walked out of the door, stepped into the elevator, and pressed the button for the floor he wanted without knowing how he did it. It was not until Gao Zhun stirred, blinking, that Fang Chi realized he had been staring at the man all this while like a devoted fool. “Don’t be afraid.” Lingering, unspoken feelings thrummed through Fang Chi’s poignant murmur. “We’re going to the hospital now.”
The very next moment – he must be hallucinating, Fang Chi thought – a transformation came over Gao Zhun. With the barest shift of his brows and eyes, Gao Zhun blossomed with miraculous new life like a flower blooming from the barren surface of a rock, or a new-born sprout growing on the steely blades of shears. So tender and loving was he that he moved Fang Chi with the depths of affection in his gaze. “You really came…” Tears fell like pearls from the warm, alluring pools of his eyes. “Just like you promised…”
Fang Chi lost his voice. His heart and lungs became filled with a fiery determination to defy the world around him, around them. It lasted for several minutes, growing and ballooning in Fang Chi’s chest as he tucked Gao Zhun into the front seat, put the car in gear, started the car, and fastened his seat belt. Then, as he released the foot brake to pull out of the driveway, the flames of his resolution sputtered and died. The ashes of his defiance cooled. Cold sweat broke out all over him as he recalled what he had done just moments ago, and the way Zuo Linlin had collapsed on the floor, looking up at him with shocked incomprehension in her eyes. It was as if the entire world were reflected in her gaze, watching him, reminding him of his own perversion.
Fang Chi shifted gear to neutral, turned off the ignition, and tossed his glasses onto the dashboard. Lying three inches to his side was the living proof of the mistake he had made in the heat of the moment: his patient, another man. Have you lost your mind, Fang Chi?! Zuo Linlin’s words rang in his ears again, and he clapped his hands to his head in a fit of panic. He had never fought with her before, could never bring himself to utter even a harsh word to her in the past. But now, he had thrown her aside just for Gao Zhun. Struggling, he began with difficulty, “Gao Zhun, I…”
“Mn?” the other man answered in a trance.
Fang Chi leaned close to gaze upon Gao Zhun, taking in every detail on that face with his attentive eyes. “You can’t come with me,” he muttered as he pressed a palm to the man’s forehead. It burned to the touch. “Be good and listen to me. I’ll carry you back upstairs, Linlin will take you…” Gao Zhun averted his head at once; despite how giddy he felt and how slow his mind had become, he knew that Fang Chi was going to push him away once more. “Look at me.” Suppressing the searing anxiety within himself, Fang Chi lifted the man’s chin. “I’m talking to you!”
Gao Zhun weakly brushed Fang Chi’s hand aside. It was a most feeble move, but the man’s weary impatience angered Fang Chi. Resentment welled up from the bottom of his soul: he hated the pride hidden deep in Gao Zhun’s bones; he loathed the way the man could dare to remain so superior even after ensnaring him with his charms. Arching his body, Fang Chi leaned further into Gao Zhun’s seat, dogged in his attempt to pry the man’s face towards him again. Gao Zhun struggled. Perhaps because of his illness, or perhaps because he had had enough, he fought back with equal stubbornness.
Smack. In the midst of the tussle, Gao Zhun landed a slap on Fang Chi’s cheek. There was not much strength in the strike, however, and it was more self-defense gone overboard than an actual attack on the man. Nevertheless, the impact sent Fang Chi’s head turning to the side. His eyes widened; their hardened glare fell upon a spread corner of Gao Zhun’s covers, which had come loose during their scuffle. Under that blanket was the champagne silk of Gao Zhun’s pajamas, and lying beneath that sheath was a flushed body covered with beaded sweat. Fang Chi’s head buzzed as if it had been dealt a straight blow. His face turned crimson. Like a wayward wanderer traversing the line between good and evil, Fang Chi lost control of himself, and he could not help but try to catch the other man’s flailing hands.
Unaware of what was happening, Gao Zhun shrank from Fang Chi’s grasp, refusing to be trapped. Mounting urgency quickened Fang Chi’s breath, and he lunged forward like a cat after a mouse, striking wherever he sensed the semblance of a struggle until he had his prey firmly pinned under his claws. The hunt was over in the blink of an eye. Yet, though he was left with no room for movement, Gao Zhun continued twisting his wrists despite the futility of his actions. He, too, was consumed with bitterness towards the man above him – how could he not? Resenting Fang Chi for his hypocritical and moralistic airs, as well as the different personas he assumed in the nighttime and the day, Gao Zhun would not be subdued. He kept up his resistance, snorting softly from the effort of his exertion.
“Stop moving!” Fang Chi bellowed, drenched in sweat, but the order fell on deaf ears. Gao Zhun’s burning body continued writhing in protest. Desperate to suppress every proud, rebellious flex of that heated flesh, Fang Chi pushed down with his weight. Yet, attempts at stilling the other man’s movements eventually turned into mindless violence; in the end, he was reduced to nothing but a bully bent on seizing the helpless man for himself. Fang Chi loosened his grip. Next, his fingers darted towards the skewed pajama collar and yanked.
As ceramic buttons scattered in all directions, a scream burst from Gao Zhun’s throat. Memories of the assault – of how he had once been tormented and hurt – roared to life at last. Tears swirled frantically in widened eyes. His lower body trembled, and his underwear was stripped away at once with his pants. “Help! Somebody help…” He started to shout, feeble and breathless, but Fang Chi cut him off by clamping a hand over his mouth.
Vacant eyes fell upon Gao Zhun. Fang Chi looked at the man without seeming to see him, and his gaze was lit with only the blazing flames of his tainted desire. “Now you know what it is that I really want to do…” He shoved Gao Zhun’s thighs apart as he undid his own belt. “This is what I’ve wanted all along!”
He forced his way in. Deeper and deeper he went, burying himself up to the hilt, screwing tight into the farthest spot he could possibly go. It was scorching this far inside; all he could feel was heat, all he could do was to piston again and again into the searing flesh. His c*** seemed to be melting. His entire crotch was dripping wet. Pleasure struck like never before, like the devastating fall of a lethal blade, and his whole being was torn asunder by sheer ecstasy before he could make sense of it all. The car shook from his reckless, brutish pounding. Then, several violent shudders later, the vehicle came to a complete stop once more.
The raging tempest of his climax swept through his body. He lost his wits and collapsed onto Gao Zhun. Though the intercourse lasted for only a few minutes, its afterglow was too sharp for him to take. The sensation numbed him from head to toe. If it was not for the shivering below him, Fang Chi would not even bear to lift his head, would not even look at the utter ruin etched into the other man’s tear-streaked face – or see the cruel hand that was still pressing down on Gao Zhun’s mouth.
With a shocked intake of breath, Fang Chi came back to his senses. Reason, morality, and judgment returned at long last, as if he had nothing to do with the beast bucking into Gao Zhun just moments ago. Stunned, he eased himself out of Gao Zhun and looked down at the hand holding his own shaft. It was red, red with blood. He reared up in terror, bumping his head on the roof of the car. “Sorry! I’m so sorry!” Panicked murmurs fell from his lips. He pulled up his trousers and opened the door with trembling, blood-stained hands. He knew that he must not run, that he had to stay, but the flickering thought disappeared in an instant.
Bam. The door of the car slammed shut behind him. Stumbling in the dark, Fang Chi fled into the pitch-black depths of the long night ahead, leaving behind the breathing proof of his sin, and the crushed remains of a heart broken beyond hope.
Once he was home, Fang Chi filled the bath; it was something he seldom did. He sank his entire body into the tub, watching as dried blood fell away from his skin and dissolved out of sight. When his nose and mouth slipped into the hot water without so much as a ripple, he found himself wishing that he would drown to death in that very moment. Yet, he lived. He remained wide awake, staring into emptiness until the break of dawn, unable to understand how such a thing could have happened. His mind wandered: to Gao Zhun, to the nose and lips that had reddened in his grip, to the tears in those glazed eyes… Fang Chi slapped himself. He did not hold back, and the vicious blow purpled his cheek at once. His ears rang from the impact. Anguished, he bent over in pain and curled up in the tub. He remained in the position for a long time. The water lost all warmth in the end, and only then did Fang Chi climb out of the bath, shivering in the cold.
In the morning, Fang Chi buried himself in bed and recalled everything that had taken place in the car. Over and over, he replayed the atrocity in his mind, filling his head with vivid details of what he had done. He saw himself succumbing to the spell of a most tempting bait; he watched himself falling step by step into the trap of abysmal lust. Suddenly, he realized with a start that he could no longer tell with clarity whether he penetrated Gao Zhun or not. The exquisite pleasure he had experienced, all the blood on him… none of that meant anything now; they were nothing in comparison to the pure, immense suffering he had inflicted on the other man.
How could he ever face Gao Zhun again?
At 3:25 p.m., Fang Chi made a call to his senior from university. The older man was in the middle of a golf game, and Fang Chi’s voice took on a lightened tone befitting the relaxed mood of a leisurely Sunday afternoon. “Ge, enjoying your day off with sis-in-law?” After a brief exchange of niceties, Fang Chi brought up the object of his call. “You have a clinic in the CBD, don’t you?” His senior replied in the affirmative, and added that the space had become available recently. “May I rent it from you for a while, then? I’ll pay according to the market rate.” Laughter came from the other end. The man’s response was very generous: there was no need for any talk of payment between them; the unit would be at his disposal, free of charge. Fang Chi hung up after obtaining the reassurance, and soon received the contact details for his senior’s secretary via WeChat. Next, he called his own secretary to make some necessary arrangements. “Please inform the patients that there will be a change in venue from tomorrow onwards. Yes, everyone except Gao Zhun. I will forward the new address to you in a bit.”
After giving out his instructions, Fang Chi put down his phone at last. Almost immediately, however, the device started ringing. He glanced at the screen and froze at the sight of the name flashing on the display. It was 15:33, November 27th – a time that he would never forget for the rest of his life. He turned on the speakerphone, and Gao Zhun’s voice rasped through the air. “Hello, it’s me… I’m at the hospital now. I just… want to let you know I’m fine. For our session this coming week, I…”
“Hey, you! Bed number 23!” Someone, perhaps a nurse of some sort, spoke up nearby. “Who gave you permission to use your phone? You’ve just woken up. You need some proper rest.”
Fang Chi grabbed his own chin all of a sudden. His grip dug into his skin as he forced down every single sob and scream in his throat. He had begun to cry, and wetness pooled between his clenched fingers. “I have to hang up now,” Gao Zhun muttered, his voice muffled as if he had cupped a hand around his phone. “Can you… say something before I go?”
At this moment, Fang Chi found himself to be the most despicable coward in the world. He hung up with a resolute tap on the red button, and his tears fell onto the screen.