Translator: HillarybyHillary
Editor: Eric Rasputin
Quality Check: Isalee
First Published on Chaleuria
“That day…” Zou Yun slowly let out a puff of smoke before continuing, “At the gym, I came across a nice-looking guy, so I went home with him. Everything was great, but after we finished…” He looked genuinely disgusted as he exclaimed, “F***! He had the balls to give me money!”
The two men stood shoulder to shoulder by the side of the road — one listening quietly while the other complained non-stop. “So I threw the money at his face and left straight away, taking the elevator down. At the time, my mind was a complete mess.” Zou Yun didn’t dare look in Gao Zhun’s direction as his hand holding the cigarette trembled slightly. “Maybe it’s because I pressed the wrong button, but when the elevator doors opened I was in the underground parking lot. That’s when I saw you…”
Gao Zhun turned to leave, not wanting to listen further. However, he was stopped by Zou Yun’s hand holding him in place. “I’m sorry…” Taking a deep breath through his nose, Zou Yun pressed his eyes with the base of his palm and said, “I’m such a f***ing bastard!”
Stopping in his tracks, Gao Zhun turned back and said, “Pass me the cig.” Gao Zhun had recently gotten a new haircut. This time, the hair salon really outdid themselves with this unique and exquisite style. As he tilted his head to the side, Zou Yun was momentarily stunned by the other man’s beauty.
Zou Yun handed it over as the other man caught the proffered cigarette between his index and middle finger. After taking a big swig, Gao Zhun blew out a perfect white ring with a look of indifference on his face. The faint smoke lingered in the air around his blank expression. Zou Yun looked at him with reddened eyes and pleaded, “It was just that one time… I promise!”
Gao Zhun rolled his eyes. “I don’t wanna hear it.” He threw the cigarette butt down and used the front of his freshly-polished shoes to stub it out against the pavement. “Let’s go.”
Turning around, Gao Zhun pushed open the door and entered the bar. Zou Yun quickly wiped his eyes and followed the other man. The crisp ringing of bells could be heard as the door repeatedly bumped against the overhead wind chimes. Coincidentally, Anthony Wong’s “Before Sunrise1” was playing in the bar. This rich yet slightly obscene melody could easily make one’s heart clench.
“Zhun-er,” Zou Yun called out.
Gao Zhun especially hated how Zou Yun used his familiar name as if they were close enough to use nicknames. Gao Zhun ignored him as he walked further into the bar. Unrelentingly, Zou Yun kept calling out behind him. In a fit of rage, Gao Zhun spun around and yelled back, “Who the hell are you calling?!”
Standing in the middle of an open space with a blush on his face, Zou Yun asked in a low voice, “Dance with me?”
Gao Zhun froze. The ambiance around him seemed to melt away into nothingness. Only the suggestive lyrics of the song could be heard:
You feel with your eyes,
This romantic and tranquil universe.
But it doesn’t compare to your hands,
Gently roaming around this body…
In a moment of weakness, or perhaps a more profound emotional confusion, Gao Zhun’s feet moved on their own accord as he walked toward the other man. Zou Yun flicked open the lighter with a click. The clear blue flame rose up in between them as the song continued to play in the background:
This confusing and addictive love can easily disappear,
So let’s not waste this long awaited lustrous night,
Don’t try to cover up this honest body,
But instead share this moment together.
He took out two cigarettes and passed one to Gao Zhun as he said, “This is my favorite song.”
Gao Zhun took the proffered cigarette and placed it on his lips. Suddenly, Zou Yun grabbed his waist, and with one quick pull, he had the other man tucked neatly in his arms. Then, in a lazy and casual voice, he started to sing in Gao Zhun’s ears:
The longer the wait, the more beautiful the outcome,
Let this lustrous night be our moment,
Don’t tell me to wait until our youth completely withers away,
Before we can get everything we desire…
In the open space, the two stood chest to chest. Rather than actual steps, they simply swayed to the music. Turning in a slow circle with their heads crossed on each other’s shoulders, their arms were lightly wrapped around one another as they lazily smoked.
Out of nowhere, Zou Yun murmured, “I want to move.”
“What?” Gao Zhun was shocked by the other man’s sudden statement.
“The place where I teach mixed martial arts right now is pretty good. Once I settle down a bit, I want to buy a small house with a balcony and a bigger kitchen…”
As Zou Yun continued to talk about his life plans, the wind chimes’ sharp jingle could be heard announcing another person’s arrival. At that moment, Zou Yun happened to turn around, facing the door directly. He saw a frail man walking in. With a pair of glasses perched on his nose, the man appeared very tired and worn out as he stared straight at the two of them.
“F***! What are you looking at?” Zou Yun cursed, then added in a low voice, “A straight one came in.”
Gao Zhun gave a small smile in response. Swaying to the evocative melody, he seemed to have been bewitched by the music. With the smoky air weaving between their bodies, it appeared to be curling and swaying in line with their movements. Caught in the moment, Gao Zhun couldn’t seem to distinguish between illusion and reality. With his cigarette smoked to its end, Gao Zhun waved it a few times before turning around.
You and I are waiting for sunrise,
Or perhaps we’re brewing in loneliness,
Instead let our lips unveil,
This unspeakable daydream…
Reluctantly, Gao Zhun glanced at the door. His beautifully-shaped eyebrows arched slightly, then lowered, before arching up again in recognition. That physique was oddly familiar, so familiar that it seemed to be etched in his very soul — a figure that eroded his every dream — both day and night.
Gao Zhun froze. His deep longing seemed to have rooted him to the ground. Noticing the change in the other man, Zou Yun loosened his arms but was unwilling to fully let go. Looking down at him affectionately, he lifted his chin and asked, “What’s wrong?”
Fang Chi’s fists were clenched tightly at his sides, so tight that his fingernails started to turn white. The man that he had once forced himself to stay away from — desperately using every ounce of his willpower to hold back from touching even his fingertips — was now wrapped in the arms of another man. He wanted to open his mouth and say something but felt as if there was nothing he could say.
The sultry voice by Gao Zhun’s ear continued to sing:
You and I are one and the same,
Searching for the fated one day and night,
Although we may fail every time,
The future is endless…
Fang Chi took off his glasses and wiped away his fallen tears. Taking a cautious step forward, he instantly seemed to regret it. In one swift move, he turned, pushed the door open, and walked out.
As the door closed, the wind chimes rang out again in a string of ear-piercing dings — this time it caused a ripple in the stagnant air. An echo continued to linger in Gao Zhun’s ears long after the noise faded. A long moment passed before Gao Zhun finally snapped out of it. He pushed Zou Yun aside as he staggered out after the other man.
In a rush to follow the retreating figure, his newly styled hair was blown away by the night breeze, while his polished shoes were covered in a thin layer of dust. As the Lunar New Year was just around the corner, the streets were vibrant and festive. Gao Zhun brushed past numerous happy couples and playful lovers as he blindly gave chase. With his eyes locked on Fang Chi’s figure ahead of him, he watched as the man ran on, then in a flash, he turned left and disappeared into a side alley.
Like a dried-out branch longing for a drop of water, or a drowning man grasping at driftwood, Gao Zhun rushed after him. His steps faltered as a sharp voice inside him yelled: “I can’t catch up, I can’t catch up with him!”
But as soon as he turned the corner into the side alley, he ran straight into the open arms of a warm embrace. With a loud thud, his face crashed painfully into the broad chest in front of him. In the dark shadows of the night, they clung desperately to each other. After a moment, Gao Zhun realized the shirt collar on the side of his neck was drenched in tears.
For a moment, he was content to indulge in this gentle embrace, to fall into this perfect dream. But a sudden sharp pain invaded his senses. He opened his hand and noticed the unfinished cigarette scrunched up in his palm. That was all it took to snap him out of it. Gao Zhun was once again reminded that this was just another one of Fang Chi’s tricks: running away, just to lead him into a side alley, then waiting for him to chase after him. It was so cunning and cruel.
Gao Zhun struggled out of his arms, averted his head, and turned to leave. Fang Chi was stunned for a moment before giving chase. “Gao Zhun!” He called out — more like a desperate shout — scaring a couple walking past them.
Gao Zhun did not turn back. His mind was stuck in a past memory — once again reliving the painful experience — as his expression turned into one of cold indifference. He saw Zou Yun walking toward him. Thinking the younger man was coming over to pick him up, Gao Zhun stretched out his hand. But in the blink of an eye, Zou Yun brushed right past him, heading straight for the other man.
Staring at the bustling crowd around him, Gao Zhun hesitated for precisely two seconds before he turned and ran back, calling out, “Zou Yun!”
Zou Yun did not stop. By the time Gao Zhun ran over, he had already put Fang Chi down. Watching from a distance, Gao Zhun saw blood dripping out of the numerous wounds on Fang Chi’s body. He felt the pain of every cut and punch along with the other man; his heart ached in response. Oddly, he noticed that Fang Chi did not make a single sound during the entire altercation, allowing the younger man to come at him freely. Gao Zhun watched in horror, knowing clearly the strength the younger man possessed. After all, he had fought for him on numerous occasions.
Realizing it was a lover’s fight between homosexual men, bystanders cautiously walked around the violent scuffle. Not long after, Zou Yun stood up and dusted his hands off. His knuckles were bruised and covered in blood. He casually walked over to Gao Zhun and hugged him as Zou Yun guided them both to the Jeep parked on the side of the pavement.
He inserted the key, started the car, and drove off. Zou Yun sat in utter silence, watching the road absent-mindedly while occasionally stealing a glance at the man seated next to him. After a few minutes, Gao Zhun suddenly moved forward and reached for the glove box. He took out the recently completed car insurance forms and removed the paper clip holding the files together. He straightened the bent wire, slotted it into his phone, and pulled out the SIM card slot.
“What are you doing?” asked Zou Yun with a frown.
Gao Zhun ignored him, then carefully poured out a SIM card from his wallet. He put the new SIM card in with trembling hands, threw away the paper clip, and turned on his phone.
Footnotes:
- “Before Sunrise” by Anthony Wong: 《春光乍泄》(黄耀明) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9Wi_ATz-3E&ab_channel=AnthonyWongVEVO
Anthony Wong is an openly gay singer from Hong Kong. Most of his works have been directly or indirectly inspired by the topic of sexual identity. The song title《春光乍泄》coincidentally shares the same name as Wong Kar-wai’s Happy Together — this film is regarded as one of the best LGBTQ films in the New Queer Cinema movement.