Translator: HillarybyHillary
Editor: Eric Rasputin
Quality Check: Isalee
First Published on Chaleuria
The incandescent light flickered on as Gao Zhun stood behind Fang Chi, squinting his eyes. The white walls reflecting the light made the room seem even brighter. Once his eyes focused, Gao Zhun looked around, taking in the familiar space. The office desk was piled high with files. The crimson couch in the treatment area sat covered in a thin layer of dust. The lonely cloth rack by the door, even the position of the air-conditioning fan blades — every little detail was exactly as he remembered as if it had been frozen in time since that day.
“Our Wednesday,” Fang Chi casually said it as if it didn’t hold any special meaning. He moved two chairs over and arranged them at the same angle as he once did. “This Wednesday, let’s end it here, once and for all.”
“End it,” Gao Zhun hated that word. He sat down on his chair, the chair that he believed belonged to him and him only. In reality, there must have been numerous other patients that had once sat in this chair. Gao Zhun waved his hands and said, “There’s no need. I’m all fine now.”
Fang Chi got hold of a notepad and pen while sitting down at the same time and said, “Then can you tell me about your recent private life?”
“My private life,” Gao Zhun sneered as he stuck out his leg in a provocative manner before seductively crossing them and asked, “You mean my sex-life?”
“Yes,” Fang Chi pushed his glasses, “Your love affairs, to be precise.”
Gao Zhun lowered his face as an icy expression spread across his features. “The first time…” he chewed on his lips before everything spilled out all at once, “It was a doctor like you, with glasses.” He numbly recalled that night, feeling a sudden chill spread through his body as he hugged his own shoulders before continuing, “We went to a hotel. He really liked to lick me…”
Fang Chi continued to scribble on the notepad, “Did you enjoy it?”
“Enjoy?” Gao Zhun didn’t even need to think twice before answering, “How could I not enjoy it? We didn’t stop and made love all night long.”
Fang Chi didn’t even look up as he asked, “And did you think of your past traumatic experience?”
Gao Zhun shook his head and said, “It wasn’t until that night I realized there’s nothing to be traumatized about. It’s just my ass being f***ed by a man. It’s not like I’m a chaste and virtuous woman who needs to die for her honor.”
Since they sat down, Fang Chi had avoided looking directly at the other man, but now he finally looked up and noticed straight away the blank stare in Gao Zhun’s eyes. Fang Chi’s questions were not relevant to the consultation, but rather a kind of hypnotic self-anesthesia. “So, are you now addicted to this lifestyle?”
“All those men,” Gao Zhun paused and revealed a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, then uncrossed his legs. His posture lost its previous confidence and began to appear timid and withdrawn as he subtly curled up into himself. “I felt like I’ve been drunk and been leading a befuddled existence…”
At this delicate moment, Fang Chi added, “Including Justin?”
Gao Zhun shivered and immediately looked up at the other man. Gazing at Fang Chi’s pale face and his gentle and warm eyes, Gao Zhun suddenly realized that he had been lost for so long. Out of the blue, all the pent-up tears burst out as he hurried to cover his eyes. “I ran into him at a bar by chance…” Gao Zhun rushed to explain himself, “He was very flirtatious. He must’ve been corrupted by bad friends in Zurich and…”
Fang Chi put his pen and notepad down. He wanted to reach out and comfort the other man, but he didn’t dare to touch him. Instead, he said, “Don’t live this kind of life anymore and don’t hang around those kinds of men either.”
The tears fell uncontrollably as Gao Zhun rubbed frantically at his eyes and said in a low voice, “But there has to be someone…”
“That man…” Fang Chi said as he lightly touched Gao Zhun’s arm. That simple contact was all it took to break Fang Chi’s control. He instantly gave in and wrapped the trembling Gao Zhun tightly into his embrace. “How long have you known each other?”
Gao Zhun gritted his teeth and refused to speak. So, Fang Chi coaxed gently, “Does he treat you well?
Gao Zhun stubbornly tried to wiggle out of his embrace. But Fang Chi — like a jealous husband trying to save his own dignity — refused to back down. Question after question, he continued to ask in an attempt to dig up the roots and get to the base of the problem, “Where did you two meet? At those… bars?”
“I’ve known him for a while now, longer than I’ve known you actually.” Gao Zhun looked at him with a bright smile on his face full of tears. Because of his guilty conscience, Gao Zhun held his chin up high as he said, “We met at a parking lot one night, in that Cayenne.”
The words didn’t make sense at first, but after about ten seconds, Fang Chi reacted. His eyes widened as he stared at Gao Zhun in disbelief. Gao Zhun shrunk further into himself as his arms wrapped around his shoulders, almost as if he had been stripped naked. All of a sudden, the incandescent light overhead seemed to be hundreds, if not thousands of times brighter. The light was maliciously exposing him while painfully burning his skin. Gao Zhun had made up his mind. He was ready to reveal everything and accept Fang Chi’s criticism, as well as endure Fang Chi’s contempt.
Fang Chi’s entire body shook to the point that the metal chair he sat on started to clatter noisily against the floor. Gao Zhun sat there resignedly waiting for the other man’s criticism. However, instead of yelling at him, Fang Chi angrily took off his glasses, then averted his head to wipe at his sudden tears. After rubbing his eyes a few times, the tears didn’t seem to stop and continued to fall uncontrollably. Fang Chi was unable to hold it in any longer as he openly and bitterly wept.
Fang Chi’s tears broke Gao Zhun’s heart way more than any of his merciless curses would’ve. The shock of his tears left Gao Zhun in a sudden panic as he sat there unsure of what to do. Looking at Fang Chi’s lonely and frail trembling back, Gao Zhun had the sudden urge to wrap his arms around him. His hands were shaking as he reached out and hugged the other man, wanting to comfort him with the warmth of his own body. The sadness in the room seemed to be contagious as Gao Zhun also broke down in tears, sobbing even harder than Fang Chi.
“I’m sorry…” he sobbed.
Almost at the same time, he heard Fang Chi mumble, “I’m so sorry.”
As their apologies synchronized, they clung to each other desperately as if they were vacantly drifting along in a boundless sea of suffering. At that moment, all their past memories and experiences came rushing back; the feeling of their hearts racing, their temptations and flirtatious interactions, as well as their strong emotions of love and hate. These memories continued to flash before their eyes like a spinning carousel until Fang Chi pushed him away and stood up. With his hands over his face, he ran into the washroom.
Gao Zhun half leaned on the chair. His tears blurring his vision as his eyes chased that retreating figure, following him as he entered the washroom and lightly patted his face with water in front of the sink. An unexpected and greedy thought came to Gao Zhun as he watched the other man — he wanted that man. He simply wanted to be with him.
Just as he was lost in his thoughts, Fang Chi’s icy voice cut in, “You should go. Your treatment is over.”
Gao Zhun froze, yet his features trembled with a sense of grievance. However, with Fang Chi standing in the bathroom, he could not see Gao Zhun’s current expression. Because of this, Gao Zhun had the chance to fake his flagrant invitation, “Before I go, don’t you at least want to sleep with me once?”
Fang Chi turned off the faucet and didn’t utter a word. While Gao Zhun anxiously waited for a response, he felt as if his heart had been completely emptied out. Gao Zhun struggled a few times with trembling hands before he finally managed to light a cigarette. He staggered up and walked to the window, staring out at the bustling streets below, with a sorrowful look in his eyes. Behind him, Fang Chi walked out and stopped a few steps away from him. “Leave him, and stop abusing yourself.”
Gao Zhun laughed. Let’s just leave it as one last longing memory, he thought to himself. After quietly smoking for a while, he turned around with an expression of pained arrogance as he looked teasingly at Fang Chi and said, “You won’t sleep with me, but you won’t let me sleep with others either. What do you really want?”
***
By the time Gao Zhun got back, it was already midnight. He took his keys out to unlock the front door. He opened it, half expecting to enter a dark room. Instead, what he saw was Zou Yun sitting on the broken sofa staring at an ashtray filled to the brim with cigarette butts. Without looking up, Zou Yun simply stated, “You’re back.” He then stood up and averted his eyes as if he was afraid to look at the other man. Zou Yun started to rub his eyes as he cautiously stole a glance at Gao Zhun in the process.
Gao Zhun brushed past him wanting to grab the suitcase from the corner of the room as Zou Yun asked calmly, “Did you sleep with him?” Caught off guard, Gao Zhun paused, then turned around to look at him. With his head lowered, Zou Yun added, “It’s fine even if you did.” He then swiftly changed the subject, “Are you hungry? I kept the dumplings warm for you.”
Gao Zhun sighed, “I came back to…”
Knowing what Gao Zhun was about to say, he rushed to stop the other man and blurted out, “I bought you a new pair of shoes.” Zou Yun felt that they had been through so much already, so he wasn’t willing to let go that easily. He scratched his neck and pointed at the neatly placed white sneakers in front of the television, “They’re branded and genuine.”
Gao Zhun glanced at the shoes, then said, “I don’t wear shoes like that,” before pulling out the suitcase from beside the wall.
Zou Yun looked at him anxiously as Gao Zhun started to take his clothes out from the wardrobe and stuff them into the opened suitcase. “Can you not go?” he asked, like a pitiful child begging someone to stay. “I don’t care if you play around with others, just don’t leave me!”
“You were right,” Gao Zhun casually admitted, still holding a messy pile of clothes under his arms. “I slept with him. I thought it would be enough to just sleep with him once, but after that one time, I realized I wanted to sleep with him forever!”
Truthfully speaking, Zou Yun was the third wheel here. So he understood fully what Gao Zhun meant by his words. A wounded expression spread across his face, but in the blink of an eye, it was replaced by a smile again. With the sudden change, Zou Yun shamelessly held onto Gao Zhun as he begged, “One night, just one night.” He pushed the suitcase away from the other man as he said, “I’ll help you tidy up. You go take a bath first.”
Gao Zhun looked at the other man as complex emotions stirred within him — a mixture of pity or perhaps helplessness — as he slowly pulled his hands away.