Translator: HillarybyHillary
Editor: Eric Rasputin
Quality Check: Isalee
First Published on Chaleuria
Everything was dark, almost pitch black. Zhang Zhun stretched his arms out and felt around, quickly discovering that he was surrounded by four concrete walls. He tried to raise his arms above him but realized that he couldn’t because his outfit was too stiff. The formal evening tuxedo he was wearing — complete with bow tie and handkerchief — was clearly restricting his movement. Frantically, he tried to fight and push his way out before a small gap eventually appeared out of nowhere. Light and noise poured in through that small opening. At that moment, Zhang Zhun immediately realized — this must be a dream.
Once he stepped out, he walked into a large banquet hall. Looking around, he saw many people holding cameras of different sizes. Suddenly someone patted his shoulder. He looked back and eagerly called out, “Hey, handsome!”
Wu Rong smiled at him passionately, casually threw his arm around Zhang Zhun’s shoulder, and walked them further into the hall. Zhang Zhun curiously peered around his dream, unsure of what was going on. He brushed past Director Chen and Zhou Zheng, who were also dressed in stiff, formal wear. As they approached a crowded group, Zhang Zhun immediately noticed a striking presence; dressed in an exquisite suit, Chen Hsin stood out amongst the crowd.
Chen Hsin also noticed the other man as he stared hungrily at Zhang Zhun. With a smile on his face, Zhang Zhun walked over boldly. Maybe because he knew it was a dream, Zhang Zhun felt fearless and more relaxed. As the distance between the two got closer, Chen Hsin’s gaze grew more intense, flickering with a hint of something. Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore and averted his eyes.
“Chen Hsin, look.” Wu Rong waved at him and said, “Look who came!”
It was apparent that Chen Hsin’s shock was faked, “Oh my, if it isn’t Zhang-laoshi.” He politely stretched his hand out. “It’s been so long.”
Does he want to shake my hand? Zhang Zhun thought to himself as he pursed his lips and stared into Chen Hsin’s eyes. Wu Rong subtly nudged him. Only then did Zhang Zhun reach out and absent-mindedly shook his hand. Chen Hsin felt a bit awkward and was clearly looking for something to say, “It’s been a year since we last met. How are you?”
Zhang Zhun was perplexed, but quickly collected himself as he answered, “I’ve been great…” He was about to say something else; in fact, there was so much he wanted to say to the other man. But at that moment, the overhead speaker could be heard announcing the start of the event, so everyone took their seats.
The two were seated right next to each other. Although they sat so close, Chen Hsin never once turned his head to acknowledge Zhang Zhun or even spare him a glance. Once the host stepped onto the stage, the cameras started to flash enthusiastically. Even as all the commotion started around him, Zhang Zhun did not notice at all. Instead, his entire focus was on the man seated next to him as he openly stared at him, staring at his side profile and tracing the delicate lines of his sideburns. This cold shoulder treatment from Chen Hsin made him feel like his heart had been cut open. Zhang Zhun was anxious to talk to Chen Hsin, but before he could say anything a sudden loud noise overwhelmed his ears followed by a large LED screen lighting up on stage. On screen, the decisive lines read:
“This world may be a horrible place.
But You and I will hold hands to the end-of-the-world.
Deep in the Act World Premiere Night!”
So that’s what it is. Zhang Zhun’s lips twitched as a bitter taste came to his mouth. The film had long since ended, so all that was left was this abstruse awkwardness and embarrassment.
Ding dong… ding dong… A random ringing started from somewhere as Zhang Zhun adjusted his bow tie irritably. He had to constantly remind himself to keep a smile on his face due to all the cameras around him. The world is always watching, he repeated to himself again.
Ding dong… ding dong… ding… The ringing sounded more and more urgent. Zhang Zhun pressed his temples and endured the noise. Suddenly, as if he had been pushed abruptly from behind, Zhang Zhun startled awake and opened his eyes to stare at the familiar ceiling of his hotel room. He got out of bed and went to open the door. Xiao-Deng stood there, frowning at him, then reached out to wipe his face. Only then did Zhang Zhun notice the tears on his face. He had been crying.
“Why are you sleeping so early?” Xiao-Deng came in and turned on the television.
Zhang Zhun turned to the bathroom to get some tissue as he explained, “Qin Xin-er suddenly decided to ask for a day off, so filming was called off today.”
“What a coincidence,” Xiao-Deng said as he walked over to the bed with a plastic bag in hand. “I was helping out at location A today, but after waiting for two hours, Chen Hsin still didn’t show up.”
Zhang Zhun froze momentarily and muttered, “Oh…” He didn’t like this kind of coincidence.
Xiao-Deng was flicking through the channels as he reached into the plastic bag and took out a box of roasted duck neck and some beer. Xiao-Deng casually commented, “I feel like this game will be quite interesting.”
He was utterly wrong. The game entered into garbage time right from the start. By halftime, they were already asleep. At four-thirty in the morning, Zhang Zhun received a message from Chen Hsin’s WeChat: [Did I wake you? If you are awake, come up.]
Zhang Zhun put down his phone and turned his attention to the television. He wanted to pretend like he was asleep, but the more he watched the game — looking at the messy football field and the aimless dribbling — the more he felt distraught with anxiety. He glanced at Xiao-Deng, who was sleeping, then carefully slipped out of bed.
***
When Chen Hsin opened the door and let him in, he seemed quite surprised. “So fast!” He was wearing a brand new dress shirt, the crisp whiteness of it almost blinded Zhang Zhun. “Just give me a second,” he said as he went into the bathroom. However, he turned back and covered something on the table with a magazine at the last moment.
Zhang Zhun was a little dizzy. He was still reeling from that dream that had clearly distracted him and left his mind a mess. At this moment, it seemed as if the harmony between them was more like an illusion.
Chen Hsin was still changing in the bathroom when Zhang Zhun snapped out of his daze and remembered Chen Hsin’s habit of intentionally doing these ‘little things.’ Zhang Zhun casually reached out and picked up the magazine before abruptly withdrawing his hand in shock.
It was a white ring box.
It would be a complete lie to say his heart wasn’t beating frantically. He turned to look in the direction of the bathroom, then carefully and secretly took the ring box out from underneath the magazine. Slowly, he opened it and saw that it was indeed a ring inside. Intrigued, he took out the platinum ring with inlaid diamonds and a small line engraved on it saying, “Tiger in My Love.”
‘My love is as fierce as a tiger.’ For a moment, Zhang Zhun was so excited he felt tears well up in his eyes. It was as if he had been caught by something, like there was no turning back. He knew this was love and there was no point fighting it anymore. He should just willingly offer up his heart.
He put the ring box back under the magazine, then deliberately walked further away from the table. Acting as if nothing had happened, he stood in front of the bed. He tilted his head back and saw Chen Hsin in the bathroom fixing the position of his tie.
Suddenly, a notification message resounded in the bedroom — it was Chen Hsin’s phone. Zhang Zhun didn’t mean to look at it, but subconsciously he glanced in that direction. There was still a massive crack in the screen, the same one he had made yesterday. Under the crack, there was a new notification displayed — an SMS from Qin Xin-er.
Xiao-Deng’s words from that evening suddenly rang through his mind again. Although Zhang Zhun knew it was impossible, deep down, he felt something tug at his heart. Zhang Zhun tiptoed over and picked up the phone, like a jealous lover checking their boyfriend’s phone. He swiped to unlock the screen and saw that it was password protected.
Chen Hsin hadn’t told him his birthday yet, but Zhang Zhun already knew when it was. After he tried and failed twice, the nerves and frustration made him feel highly ashamed. Just as he was about to give up, a thought came to his mind. He swallowed hard then tried a different set of numbers.
‘0505,’ it was Zhang Zhun’s own birthday. He honestly hadn’t expected the screen to flash quickly before unlocking right away.
But this thrill only lasted for a split second. In the next moment, it was completely and utterly shattered. He stared at the screen. The message from Qin Xin-er read: [I’m back, are you sleeping yet?]
They were indeed together that afternoon. Zhang Zhun clenched his fists. A seed of doubt started to fester in his heart once more — doubt about their future, doubt about that ring. Just as he was about to go through their message history, Chen Hsin called out from the bathroom, “So I’ve thought about it, I’ll just do whatever you say. Since we’re going to be together anyways, I don’t mind letting you have your way most of the time.”
Phone calls, Weibo, or WeChat — there were no records of their chat history or previous conversation at all. Zhang Zhun was about to breathe a sigh of relief when he happened to see the photo album icon. Zhang Zhun knew how Chen Hsin had always loved taking photos, so without thinking much of it, he clicked into the album. As he aimlessly scrolled through the photos, he saw a lot of random pictures — quite a lot of them had him, and thankfully none had Qin Xin-er. He kept scrolling, suddenly his eyes caught on another image; it was one of himself. He had a drunken look and blank stare in his reddened eyes as he stared into the camera, and on his face, there were a few drops of milky white liquid.
What a nymphomaniac, Zhang Zhun silently scolded Chen Hsin in his heart. His mind was still a bit foggy, so no matter how he thought about it, he couldn’t remember when this had happened. It wasn’t until he saw the date on the photo did everything come rushing back. Zhang Zhun was stunned speechless.
So what he once thought was just a dream turned out wasn’t one after all. In that case, what he once thought was love, perhaps wasn’t love either.
His jaw trembled uncontrollably. To stop the trembling, he hurriedly pressed his fist to his mouth and bit down on his shaky fingers. He thought back to that drunken night and the resulting hangover, he recalled the painful and confused tears he shed. At that moment, Zhang Zhun couldn’t help but loathe Chen Hsin. If it wasn’t for Chen Hsin deliberately concealing the truth, they might have never gotten to this stage and forever stayed as two separate individuals. They would have maintained a clear distinction between their professional and private lives — Chen Hsin was just Chen Hsin, and Zhang Zhun would still be Zhang Zhun.
Chen Hsin came out from the bathroom excitedly. Perhaps because of his excitement, he did not pay attention to Zhang Zhun’s actions. He went straight to the table and picked up the ring box, then approached the other man from behind. “Hey, honey!” Chen Hsin enthusiastically called out. Zhang Zhun turned at his voice as the phone slipped from his hands; it hit the carpeted floor with a thud before rolling a few times and landing silently by Chen Hsin’s feet.
Chen Hsin was dressed immaculately in a formal black suit as he kneeled on one knee with a single red rose clutched to his chest. He held the opened ring box in his right hand. “I want to give you a sur…” As he was talking, Chen Hsin glanced over at the phone by his side. The screen was still lit up and displaying that photo — a photo that he knew all too well. The same photo that he would stare at every night before he fell asleep.
Cut mid-sentence, the rest of Chen Hsin’s words were stuck in his throat. Without waiting for the other man to lift his head, Zhang Zhun brushed past him and left. Chen Hsin’s momentary shock instantly transformed into embarrassment as he knelt there pitifully. All that was left for him was the loud bang of the shutting door.