Translator: HillarybyHillary
Editor: Eric Rasputin
Quality Check: Isalee
First Published on Chaleuria
Zhang Zhun heard the door open and close behind him — someone had come in. With the overwhelming mix of emotions running through him, Zhang Zhun lowered his head in a panic and instantly turned to leave. As he was leaving, he saw a pair of men’s shoes that were oddly familiar. Zhang Zhun suddenly raised his head in surprise. Chen Hsin didn’t bother acknowledging the other man as he brushed past him to walk directly to the urinals. Zhang Zhun should’ve just ignored him and walked out, but he simply couldn’t. His eyes were wide, desperately holding back his tears as he said, “Since we’re parting ways tomorrow, do you want to do it one last time?”
It seemed like Chen Hsin had heard those words before, but he couldn’t exactly remember where or when. Holding back his emotions, Chen Hsin didn’t dare to express his suppressed eagerness, let alone reveal his longing for the other man. Instead, he pretended to be indifferent and completely unaffected by his hurtful words as he casually said, “Sure.”
Chen Hsin’s one-word answer sounded so nonchalant and dismissive that Zhang Zhun suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of hate toward him. He hated that Chen Hsin could have such an unrestrained attitude and be unaffected by emotions. Zhang Zhun picked a random cubicle and walked in as Chen Hsin followed behind without overthinking it. They started with a kiss as usual, but this time everything was different. No matter how they kissed, something felt wrong. Instead of the usual feeling of desperation and longing, this kiss tasted bitter. Every touch of their lips shattered Zhang Zhun’s heart a little more. Zhang Zhun gave up all pretenses at last as he unbuckled his belt and swiftly lowered his pants to his ankles. His heart was beyond ashamed at his actions, but his lustful body seemed to have a mind of its own. “Hurry…” he begged as he fell into Chen Hsin’s arms and reached into the man’s pants to tease him wantonly.
With mixed emotions, Chen Hsin watched with mixed emotions as Zhang Zhun awkwardly attempted to seduce him. Chen Hsin gently held Zhang Zhun back and said, “No, you aren’t ready yet…”
“It’s fine,” Zhang Zhun panted, then quickly turned around and presented his back to the other man. He reached his hand out to blindly grab the wall hook as he collapsed forward and pushed his ass up invitingly. “I’m fine, really.”
“No,” Chen Hsin shook his head. Even though he wanted it desperately, he couldn’t bring himself to go through with it. “I don’t want our last time to be unpleasant for you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Disappointed and perhaps a little embarrassed, Zhang Zhun turned around again in shame. He wanted to please Chen Hsin, but he was at a loss as he simply didn’t know what to do. He desperately wanted to make the other man happy, even if it was for a moment longer. Zhang Zhun knelt down in a panic and stroked Chen Hsin’s member before eagerly guiding it into his mouth. Swallowing it down in one motion, Zhang Zhun pushed forward until the leaking head of Chen Hsin’s c*** hit the back of his throat. Chen Hsin shivered, unable to endure the sudden onslaught of pleasure as his body weightlessly slumped back against the cubicle door. Chen Hsin tried to lower his eyes to look at the other man. However, his vision blurred as he traced the silhouette of his eager lover’s bobbing head while violently rubbing his hair. Chen Hsin felt a wave of overwhelming longing hit him. He wanted to brand this moment into his memories forever.
They both knew deep down that this would be their last time together. Hence, their reactions were different than usual — Chen Hsin’s movements were rougher as Zhang Zhun greedily sucked deeper. The continuous pressure against the back of Zhang Zhun’s throat brought forth a nauseous feeling. This was the exact same feeling he felt toward the words he couldn’t speak out loud. Zhang Zhun really wanted to say, “Let’s not break up. Let’s just stay as we are now. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a shady relationship.” But there was no point — at the end of the day, everything had to come to an end. The filming had already ended. If they continued to cling to one another, they would only be seen as a joke. All they could do was hold out and allow time to obliterate everything. With time, this heated wave would fade, just as this sickening obsession would heal. Eventually, they would forget and continue down their respective paths.
Every breakup was different. In some cases, one would feel sick at heart from all their wasted efforts, but sometimes one would feel sweet from another lover waiting on the other end. As Zhang Zhun stared at the man above him, the lingering bitter taste on the tip of his tongue started to seep toward his unguarded heart…
They came out of the washroom separately and went in opposite directions. Without notifying anyone, Zhang Zhun went straight back to his hotel room 3705. Once the door clicked open, he frantically started to pack, grabbing everything in sight — clothes, shoes, and coats. As soon as his suitcase was filled, he threw everything else into a box and decided to leave it for Xiao-Deng to courier back the next day.
Lastly, he went to the bedside table to fetch his personal items — passport, bank cards, and a little stash of cash. In a rush, Zhang Zhun pulled open the drawer with a little too much force. Something rattled within before sliding out of the drawer with a ding and rolled to his feet. Zhang Zhun turned around slowly and froze at the object in his vision. His heart clenched instantly at the sight of the platinum ring — “Tiger in My Love.”
That day in the art gallery, Zhang Zhun was on his knees crawling around that secluded toilet floor looking for this small circle of metal. With the pristine white tiles reflecting the overhead lights, it was easy to completely miss that small ring. Zhang Zhun spent a good while searching for it before he finally found it.
Zhang Zhun sat down on the edge of the bed and carefully picked up the platinum ring. He studied it, noting how Chen Hsin had excellent taste with the elegant yet subtle design of the ring. He had never dared to put it on before, but this time, Zhang Zhun timidly guided the platinum band to his fingertip and slid it down his finger. Before it slid all the way down, he immediately pulled it off again with a guilty conscience. After a long time, he plucked up the courage to try again. This time he guided it onto his left ring finger. The size was perfect, fitting around his finger snugly.
Zhang Zhun thought for a moment and realized that this small platinum band was all that was left between them. Out of nowhere, tears rolled down his cheeks. The sudden burst of emotions caught him by surprise. He recalled how Chen Hsin had once teased him about how he always loved to cry. Thinking back to all the moments they shared together — even if it seemed like an insignificant passing comment — every moment filled Zhang Zhun with such overwhelming happiness. Dazedly, he clutched his hand to his chest and lowered his head to kiss the ring.
Zhang Zhun finally made a decision. He suddenly stood up and took out his phone. He typed in Xie Danyi’s number, hit the dial button, and within a few short rings, the line was picked up. Even through the phone, Zhang Zhun could feel the eagerness and barely contained excitement from Xie Danyi’s breathing. “Hello, has the film ended now?”
Her question dripped with such desperation that Zhang Zhun pursed his lips and said, “Yes, we just finished the farewell dinner.”
“Oh, okay. By the way, I went to the flower market today. The orange trees are so beautiful, so I bought some…”
Zhang Zhun cut her off, “I just wanted to say… You really don’t have to wait for me anymore.”
The line was silent for a long while. By the time she spoke out again, her voice had become quite aggressive, “Two men being together? Are you insane?!”
“We’re not together,” Zhang Zhun admitted quietly, “It’s just that… even if I’m not with him, I can’t be with anyone else either.”
“Beeeeep.”
Only the long tone of the phone call being cut short could be heard. Zhang Zhun stared at the phone screen as it slowly dimmed out, then casually ruffled his hair and dragged his suitcase out the door. Standing at the threshold, he looked back briefly before turning off the lights and walking off without another glance.
***
Deep in the Act was finally over. Zhang Zhun said farewell to his old life and moved away from Guangdong. He rented an apartment close to Ocean Star Hotel1 and started living an ordinary life by himself. When he wasn’t busy with work, he would go out first thing in the morning for an early jog. As he ran along the peaceful tree-lined path, he would always find himself near Ocean Star Hotel with Rumer’s “Slow2” playing in his earphones. Zhang Zhun squinted up against the morning sunlight with the soulful music caressing his soul — like he had done this numerous times before — and he would instantly find the 37th and 38th floor window. The reflective glint would wink at him like an old friend’s greeting.
Sometimes he would walk in, take the elevator up, and idly stand in front of room 3834. When he got bored, he would take out his phone and aimlessly scroll through WeChat — another friend was getting married, someone else was having their second child — notifications and updates from everyone else, but not a single bit of news from the one person he wanted to know most about. It had been a year already. The pain had gradually become numb, while the frantic emotions from back then mellowed with time. Eventually, the feelings became like a bad habit, similar to his nicotine addiction — he couldn’t get rid of it, so he simply let it be.
At the end of September, Zhou Zheng gave him a call to inform him that the film was finished with post-production. The marketing team had decided to release a promotional song with him and Chen Hsin. It wasn’t until that moment that Zhang Zhun realized he had never really recovered from those initial feelings. His heart that had turned numb with time was simply waiting for the right moment to stir up again. He had always been hoping and longing — hoping to hear that name again and longing to see him once again.
The recording studio was in Shanghai. Bubbling with anticipation, Zhang Zhun rushed out first thing in the morning with a brand new set of clothes and his hair perfectly styled. He felt very jittery as he waited in the lounge up until the moment the recording producer walked in, handed him a tissue, and casually said, “Chen Hsin has already recorded his parts in Taiwan. We just need you to match his parts now.”
Chen Hsin’s recording started to play. It was an old song — Leslie Cheung and Anthony Wong’s “So Far So Near3.” As he listened to the recording, Zhang Zhun could tell Chen Hsin had sung the song in Mandarin rather than in its original Cantonese, as well as the very apparent post-production modifications in the latter parts of the song. After a while, Zhang Zhun let out a disappointed chuckle. It seems all that he had left to record were a few dictated phrases in between Chen Hsin’s lyrics.
Zhang Zhun silently walked into the recording booth, put on the headphones, and turned to face the mic. As he was getting ready to start, he received a message from the Deep in the Act group chat: [Zhang Zhun-laoshi, please note that Deep in the Act’s world premiere will be hosted on Valentine’s Day, February 14th. The time and location are as follows…]
The recording producer indicated everything was ready to go. The green light blinked across the thick glass window as Zhang Zhun’s low voice echoed affectionately through the studio:
When I was leaving the bookstore, I left my umbrella.
I hope the one who picks it up and takes it home… is you.4
Footnotes:
- Ocean Star Hotel – (海洋之星)
Just in case you all forgot, Ocean Star is the hotel they were staying in for the duration of filming. Refer to chapter 1.1. - “Slow” by Rumer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvYUfwMBCrU&ab_channel=Rumer
- “So Far So Near” by Leslie Cheung & Anthony Wong: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLOpBTHMz8k&ab_channel=Loominos
- A Cantonese song by famed Hong Kong singer and actor Leslie Cheung. He was one of the most prominent pioneers that shaped the identity of Cantopop during the 1980s and became known for his flamboyant, often outrageous stage appearance.
- As an openly bisexual celebrity, he was an advocate for the LGBTQ community. In an interview in 1992, Cheung stated that “My mind is bisexual. It’s easy for me to love a woman. It’s also easy for me to love a man too,” and “I believe that a good actor would be androgynous and ever-changing.”
- This is the opening line to “So Far So Near” — it is dictated rather than sung.