The Complete Guide to the Use and Care of a Personal Assistant
First Published on Chaleuria
For the past few nights Su Yuyang had concentrated on reading the novel and writing a detailed outline, so every morning he had difficulty waking up. Having learned from the previous incident, Ling Miao also didn’t put too much effort into getting Su Yuyang out of bed, so Su Yuyang would often sleep until one or two o’clock in the afternoon. He didn’t even go to the gym any more. To this, Ling Miao only said: “Wasteful. Rich and tasteless.”
Another morning arrived. Ling Miao was woken from his dreams by the sound of his alarm. Thinking that Su Yuyang wouldn’t be up at this hour anyway, Ling Miao wrapped himself back up in his blankets and continued to sleep.
“Aah—” Su Yuyang stretched lazily and the tears he squeezed from his eyes wet his cheeks.
Yesterday, he’d finally finished reading Ling Miao’s novel and had gone to bed early as a result. Although his biological clock was still in some disarray, his eyes had still opened at 10 o’clock or so.
“So hungry…” Su Yuyang grumbled as he walked out of his bedroom.
Someone who has just gotten up, especially someone like Su Yuyang, who was still about 25 percent asleep, has a brain that functions at less than 10 percent capacity. In addition, Su Yuyang’s line of sight was directed upwards, so he didn’t notice underfoot…
The sounds of crashing objects, a chair moving against the floor, and a human wail came one after the other, and a certain person who was sleeping on the floor covered his head with his blanket. Then he turned over, unhappily said, “Mm,” twice, and the living room regained its quiet.
“Aah!” Su Yuyang sat on the floor and frustratedly rubbing his forehead, which had just engaged in a passionate kiss with the back of a chair.
Su Yuyang’s slightly foggy brain was now completely clear. As the pain subsided some, he raised his head to look for the thing that had tripped him.
Strictly speaking, it was two human legs that had tripped Su Yuyang.
The owner of the two legs was currently facing the wall with his back to Su Yuyang, looking as if he was reflecting on his actions—if he had been standing, that is.
The owner of the legs that had tripped Su Yuyang was, naturally, Ling Miao.
Ling Miao reflexively burrowed his head into his blanket. He occasionally laughed, as if something joyous was happening in his sleep.
Usually, Ling Miao slept later and woke earlier than Su Yuyang, and Su Yuyang wasn’t a sleepwalker, so he had never noticed that Ling Miao’s sleeping location was unsuitable. Mm. Today he realized.
Su Yuyang slowly stood up, walked to Ling Miao’s side, bent at the waist, picked up a corner of the blanket, and pulled up sharply. Feeling the covering being pulled away, Ling Miao’s legs clasped the blanket tight and he rolled back and forth on the ground, pressing the blanket firmly beneath him. Su Yuyang saw this and realized he wouldn’t be able to wake Ling Miao if he didn’t use more force, so he didn’t stand on ceremony.
Su Yuyang let go of the blanket and squatted down. Looking at Ling Miao’s exposed thigh, he put his thumb and forefinger on it and pinched them together, hard.
Several seconds later an ear-splitting yell emanated from Su Yuyang’s house, followed by a half-awake shout: “Su Yuyang, I bought a watch last year! ¹ Goddamn, you don’t have to use that much force, do you?! You’re unhappy, so you pinch me to let it out?”
“I was trying to wake you up,” Su Yuyang said candidly.
Ling Miao’s confused gaze lay on Su Yuyang, as if weighing the truth of Su Yuyang’s words. Ling Miao only gave him the benefit of the doubt because he had no idea at all that he had accidentally tripped Su Yuyang. If he knew, he’d definitely conclude that Su Yuyang was tormenting him—good old-fashioned revenge!
Su Yuyang’s gaze was like a still pool of water: silent, deep, inviting people to investigate whether there were hidden depths beneath the calm surface.
Su Yuyang wore a faint smile, some satisfaction showing in his quiet eyes.
Ling Miao stared at Su Yuyang’s face as if looking at a rare treasure. The two were like a buffering video: the scene was stuck on this image, but the progress bar kept moving along happily.
Su Yuyang’s smile gradually faded.
For as long as Ling Miao’s gaze had rested on Su Yuyang’s face, Su Yuyang had also squatted. His legs were going numb, the soreness reminding him that a lot of time had passed, but he kept holding on. He and Ling Miao seemed to be competing: whoever moved first, lost.
The silence was finally broken by a noise from outside. From below came the sounds of a man and a woman arguing, followed by the sound of porcelain shattering on the ground.
Ling Miao was suddenly energized and came to his senses. When he found that he was staring at Su Yuyang, it was like he’d seen a ghost. He threw himself backwards, but behind him was a solid wall.
As warm skin touched the cold wall, goosebumps rose on Ling Miao’s skin. He didn’t know if it was the wall or Su Yuyang’s smile which had made him react.
Su Yuyang thought his smile was warm, but Ling Miao could only describe it as: scary!
“You’re calling me so intimately again. Ling Miao, is this what you call me in your dreams?”
Ling Miao stammered a little. He was trying to say “Su-ge,” but the “Su” got said while the “ge” couldn’t come out of his mouth. The second time, he’d just opened his mouth when Su Yuyang cut him off.
Hearing Su Yuyang’s teasing, Ling Miao mimed vomiting. He flipped Su Yuyang the bird and said disdainfully: “Su Yuyang, you’re too overconfident. In my dreams, I call you…”
The word ‘bastard’ was about to leave Ling Miao’s mouth when he sensed something wrong. He immediately shut his mouth, turning to Su Yuyang with a challenge in his eyes.
Su Yuyang smiled and said, “Say it. I won’t be angry.”
Su Yuyang’s tone and expression were that of a parent cajoling their child into eating medicine: “This isn’t bitter, it isn’t bitter at all. It’s as sweet as sugar.” When the child swallowed it, they’d cry out, “Wah”—not bitter, motherfucker, who the hell says it isn’t bitter?!
Su Yuyang’s tricks wouldn’t work on Ling Miao, who harrumphed coldly in response.
Su Yuyang was about to say something more when he saw Ling Miao’s exposed thigh and upper body. The words he was about to say mysteriously vanished.
Su Yuyang’s eyes had calmed down and Ling Miao couldn’t see the changes in his emotional state. But those unblinking eyes alerted Ling Miao to something. He followed Su Yuyang’s gaze, lowering his head, and saw his own body.
“Fuck you, Su Yuyang, what the hell are you looking at?” Ling Miao pulled up the blanket to cover himself. He hadn’t forgotten Su Yuyang’s sexual orientation.
“Xiao Miao, you don’t wear clothes when you sleep?” Su Yuyang teased.
Crimson flushed over Ling Miao’s cheeks as he said angrily: “Who says I don’t wear clothes?” Ling Miao was incensed by Su Yuyang’s underhanded tactics, the hair on his entire body standing up. He threw off the blanket and exposed his entire body.
Yeah, Ling Miao did wear clothes. A pair of boxers, that was all.
“Ah, Ling Miao, it’ll be good when your comprehension catches up with your action,” Su Yuyang said with a hint of pity.
The sound of his words in Ling Miao’s mind had the power of an atomic bomb. Ling Miao was caught in the explosion, and not even his ashes could be found.
“Hey, Su Yuyang!” Ling Miao snatched the pillow behind him and swung it forward. Su Yuyang, whose legs were numb from squatting too long, didn’t avoid it in time even though his brain saw it coming. Su Yuyang tried to stretch out a hand to block it, but as he raised his hand, Ling Miao’s thick and hard pillow landed right on his face.
Su Yuyang’s vision went black and he felt somewhat dizzy. He fell backwards and his rear had an intimate encounter with the floor.
“Ling Miao…” Su Yuyang frustratedly rubbed his temple. In the corner of his eye he could see Ling Miao’s satisfied smile, and in that moment a formerly blurry character in his mind gradually became clear (chapter 22 mentions this).
(T/N: this aside is in the text)
“Ah, since I made a cameo in Ling Miao’s book, why can’t he play a bit part in my book?” At this thought, Su Yuyang actually began laughing out loud.
Ling Miao was getting dressed. As his head emerged from his collar, he saw Su Yuyang’s ‘chilly’ smile and couldn’t repress a shudder.
“Ling Miao, I’m about to change my setting, and will be adding a new batch of characters. What do you think about making a cameo?”
If this were before, Ling Miao would agree without even needing to think about it, but Su Yuyang’s smile just now made him think of only one thing: refuse!
“I don’t want that,” Ling Miao angled his chin and replied.
Having said his piece, Ling Miao kicked Su Yuyang and complained: “Su-ge, you’re blocking me from packing up my things.”
Su Yuyang’s numb legs had long recovered, but he felt that sitting on the floor was pretty comfortable and had no intention of moving.
“Hey, Su Yuyang, we said we were gonna live together peacefully, right? Why’re you starting up again? Do you suffer if you don’t give me hell for just one day?” Ling Miao was mad as he rolled up the cotton blanket, heedless of Su Yuyang’s legs on the blanket.
“In what way am I messing with you?” Su Yuyang felt he’d been maligned. “Shouldn’t you have made breakfast for me before I got up? And what happened? I had to get you out of bed, and you still complained loudly at me. Who’s in the wrong here?”
“I…” Having been reminded by Su Yuyang, Ling Miao was aware he was in the wrong. He didn’t say anything more and quietly packed up his ‘bed’ and put it in the corner.
Looking at the time, he didn’t need to prepare breakfast any more. Might as well skip directly to lunch.
“Su-ge, I’ll go make lunch,” Ling Miao said quietly, his silhouette sliding into the kitchen so quickly it was clear that he was trying to avoid Su Yuyang.
After lunch, the two entered ‘writing mode’ again. In the word sprint group, Blue River asked if anyone wanted to word sprint.
Ling Miao glanced at it and didn’t have any interest, but someone unexpected replied to Blue Lake—Su Yuyang!
Su Yuyang casually called Ling Miao to join too, but Ling Miao rejected him on the spot.
ZeroSecondsAgo: Not in the mood.
Shu Yang: Are you still upset about the thing from this morning?
Blue Lake: … The thing from this morning? Shu-shu, what have you done to Xiao Miao? [evil smile]
Shu Yang: You think too much.
Chaos Paste: Shu-shu and Xiao Miao, this is absolutely the rhythm of falling in love!
Color Setting: +10086
Haphazardly Chopping Wood: +personal identification number ²
ZeroSecondsAgo: Can’t I word sprint? Really. What have you derailed this thread into?
Blue Lake: So it’s happily decided! However, the wager needs to be changed up a bit. The loser must write on their microblog ‘XXX is dominant, I’m the submissive,’ and the ‘XXX’ will be chosen from among us by the winner, how’s that?
Ling Miao looked at the wager and his eyes almost dropped out of his head. This… what kind of wager was this?! And… Ling Miao’s head hurt. When word sprinting with this bunch of Great Authors, Ling Miao mostly lost!
A certain Paste (interrupting): Have you won before?
Ling Miao: You know too much, Paste! (The kitchen knife whooshes by and sticks straight up in the chopping board.)
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 ‘bought a watch last year’: when spoken, sounds like a specific string of curses. Expressing dissatisfaction, frustration, and a feeling of injustice
 these are variants on +1, in other words, ‘I agree (a lot).’ 10086 is the customer service telephone number for a Chinese telco.