First Published on Chaleuria
Warning: Contains descriptions of rape and trauma.
“I didn’t dare to. More than what he was doing to me, I was afraid of being seen. I was terrified that someone would see him riding on top of me…”
“So you chose to put up with it?” It was rare for Fang Chi to lose his temper during treatments, but now, in this very moment, he was visibly enraged. “You just allowed him to lie on top of you and…” – he stopped and forced himself to swallow the rest of his sentence as he struggled to rein in his emotions. When they were in check once again, he changed his question, “Were you facing each other at the time?”
Gao Zhun could not believe his ears; he could not believe that Fang Chi would ask him such a thing. “Are you really trying to help me?” A deep sense of humiliation welled up from the very core of his being. Consumed by anguish and bitter resentment towards his misfortune, he spat, “Or are you just curious about how I was raped by a man?”
“I just want to understand your traumatic experience in detail.”
“Fine!” Gao Zhun’s voice rose sharply as he lost all control of his feelings. “He screwed me from the front. I opened my legs like a woman. He threw one of my legs over his shoulder and kissed me as he f***ed me. The marks stayed for more than half a month. Are you happy now?”
“I’m not!” Fang Chi threw down his pen. His notepad slid off his knee and scattered its pages all over the floor. “I also want to know if you felt any pleasure during the rape! Did you moan? Did you come?!”
Gao Zhun sprung up from his chair, staring at him in shock. “How did you know…” He clamped a hand over his mouth in obvious panic. “I didn’t want to. I…”
Fang Chi got to his feet as well, hating himself for his recklessness. “I’m sorry. I was too anxious and rushed too quickly into things. Let’s go freshen up for now, okay?”
Supporting Gao Zhun by the shoulders, Fang Chi began leading him to the washroom. Blankly, Gao Zhun drifted forward under the direction of Fang Chi’s gentle pushes. After a few steps, however, he whipped around all of a sudden and crashed into Fang Chi’s arms like a bird with pinioned wings. Overwhelmed with despair, he pleaded, “Don’t look down on me. Please. I beg you. I beg you, please don’t…”
Fang Chi closed his arms around Gao Zhun with care, as if he were holding a bouquet that was still wet with dew. Then, without thinking, he tilted his head and kissed the temple that nestled against his cheek. He did not know why he did it – nor did he understand why it felt so natural, so right. He tightened his arms, pressing Gao Zhun further into his embrace, imprinting the shape of the other man’s body on his own. “I won’t let you go.”
He accompanied Gao Zhun into the washroom. He watched as Gao Zhun wept into the sink, tears falling from his eyes as he tried to wash his face. Fang Chi felt his heart ache as if its flesh was being gouged out by a razor blade. He tugged a towel off the rack. Pulling Gao Zhun back by his elbow, Fang Chi began wiping his face with a featherlight touch. “Are you able to continue?”
Gao Zhun nodded. After a brief frown at Fang Chi, he hid himself once more in the safety of Fang Chi’s arms. “It was really painful at the beginning. He was so strong. Every thrust hurt so much, as if he was ramming all the way through my gut and up to my chest. But, slowly…” His voice became muffled as he continued, “I… I began to feel good… really good… inside my ass. It’s nothing like being with a woman. I must have lost my mind!”
This time, Fang Chi wrapped his arms around Gao Zhun with some hesitation. It might be better to continue the topic in separate chairs, he thought. Yet, despite his numerous considerations, he could not bring himself to interrupt Gao Zhun. “Tell me how you felt.”
“I could hear myself moaning…” Gao Zhun melded himself against Fang Chi as his arms clung to Fang Chi’s back. “I was just like a woman from that kind of movie… I think I might have hugged him, but I couldn’t help myself!”
Gao Zhun’s body pressed into Fang Chi’s chest, and Fang Chi felt his chest burn at the touch. It was as if they were completely naked in each other’s arms; even the slightest movement from each other felt so vivid and real. “How long did it last?”
“I don’t know.” Gao Zhun bent his neck and buried his head against Fang Chi’s shoulder. “It was as if I’d become an animal.”
“Did he wear a condom?” Gao Zhun shook his head. Fang Chi lifted Gao Zhun’s chin and forced the other man to look up at him. “What happened in the end?”
Gao Zhun evaded his gaze. “He emptied himself inside me…”
“What about you?” They were so close – too close – that they were exchanging heated breaths with each other.
“I… I came all over myself.” Panic-stricken, he asked, “Was that very cheap of me?”
Fang Chi said nothing. He stared in silence at Gao Zhun’s red, swollen lips while Gao Zhun awaited his judgment in fear. Letting the suspense drag out on purpose, Fang Chi asked instead, “Did you cum on your own?”
A blush spread across Gao Zhun’s cheekbones. “He helped me… using his hands.”
Helped – even though it was such a simple word, it stung Fang Chi to the core. “This is a well-documented phenomenon. It is very common for male victims of sexual assault to experience pleasure, arousal, or even orgasms during such attacks. First, this may be attributed to the biological structure of the male body. Second, attackers often stimulate the victims on purpose in order to achieve full sexual domination. This also gives them some legal leverage if they are ever charged in court, since the victims’ experience of pleasure may be used against them as proof of consent.”
He kept his explanation bland and technical, but Gao Zhun seized on his words as if grabbing at straws, “Really? So it’s possible that I’m not gay?”
“Have you doubted your sexual orientation before?”
Momentarily flustered, Gao Zhun licked his lips in mortification – and Fang Chi felt a hot rush of blood to his head at the sight. He rubbed Gao Zhun’s chin with a thumb, a little troubled by his own guilty conscience. “What happened after that?” he asked, “What did you do after it was over?”
“I stayed in a hotel… my behind was torn, and it wouldn’t stop bleeding. I couldn’t use the toilet for days.” He began trembling again as he recalled his experience. “I didn’t dare to tell anyone. No one would sympathize. Mother would only admonish me for not being a man. Linlin… which woman would ever want to spend her life with a man who’s been raped?”
As Gao Zhun was speaking, Fang Chi shifted his position. Leaning back against the wall of the washroom so that Gao Zhun could nestle against him with more comfort, he wrapped his arms loosely around Gao Zhun’s waist – mere inches away from the ravaged flesh of Gao Zhun’s ass.
“I became feverish the next day, but I didn’t dare to go to the hospital,” Gao Zhun continued, “The images kept coming back, out of the blue, regardless of whether I was awake or sleeping. Every time I remembered, I felt like I was being raped again… I didn’t dare to switch on the TV. I was afraid I’d hear any news related to sex. And I always had a knife in my hands so that I could stab him in my dreams!”
“Shh…” Fang Chi coaxed as if he was consoling a child. “What happened after your wounds healed? How did you cope with the pain?”
Gao Zhun barked out a bitter laugh. “The pain is always there.” He caught Fang Chi’s collar between his fingers. Rolling and unrolling the fabric neurotically, he went on, “In order to use the toilet as seldom as possible, I barely ate anything. Every other hour, I needed to wash myself… down there. It’s filthy. I kept feeling as if he was still there, putting it in and pulling it out over and over again… I started drinking. It was the only way I could forget, just for a while…”
Lightly combing his fingers through Gao Zhun’s hair, Fang Chi asked, “How long did these conditions last?”
At this, Gao Zhun smiled. It was a smile that dazzled with an unusual, alluring beauty born from his experience as a victim of sexual assault. “Until I met you…” He lifted his face a little, his watery eyes brimming with scattered light, as if he were waiting for a kiss. “That was how I’d been until I met you.”
That was how I’d been until I met you.
Fang Chi felt a burst of flames in his chest. A shrill noise rang in his ears. His very being strained and roared with the uncontrollable restlessness of a teenager. There they were – Gao Zhun’s salt-stained lips – right before his eyes, so close that he could taste them with the slightest tilt of his head…
But he did not. He stopped himself in time.