The Complete Guide to the Use and Care of a Personal Assistant
First Published on Chaleuria
Chapter One Hundred and Eighteen
Ling Miao did feel it. Su Yuyang’s shouts, Su Yuyang’s tears, Su Yuyang’s hug… Ling Miao felt everything from Su Yuyang, but he couldn’t respond, because he felt that he didn’t deserve to receive it.
The moment when Tang Xuan drew the knife across his throat, Ling Miao felt that he was a murderer. Since the time Tang Xuan had killed himself, Ling Miao had thought: If I hadn’t said those words, would Tang Xuan not have killed himself?
Even though Ling Miao understood that Tang Xuan didn’t deserve his sympathy, when a lively human life disappeared before his eyes, and had even hinted before he died that his death had to do with Ling Miao—no matter how Ling Miao tried to suppress the fear and self-blame in his heart, he couldn’t calm down.
Tang Xuan might have been using his death to exchange for a lifetime of unease for Ling Miao.
Ling Miao had to admit that Tang Xuan had succeeded. With his own blood he had made Ling Miao guilty and left Ling Miao unable to face Su Yuyang’s deep love.
Although Su Yuyang said he’d share all difficulties with Ling Miao, how could Ling Miao bear to let Su Yuyang, who was already upset, fall into the abyss of suffering?
The seeds of evil Ling Miao had sowed himself, he must now reap. Maybe one day in the future Ling Miao’s heart would know salvation, but before that time came, he couldn’t accept all that Su Yuyang was giving him.
Yu, you wanted me to call you that, but I can’t bring myself to. I can only call you that silently in my heart. Ling Miao looked at Su Yuyang’s departing silhouette and stretched out his hand, wanting to touch those broad and strong shoulders. His fingers caught only air and weakly fell.
Ling Miao couldn’t reach—he couldn’t reach Su Yuyang.
Ling Miao’s vision went blurry and he felt water fall from his eyes. He raised his hand to wipe away the annoying tears, and used the utmost effort to lift his lips in a smile. His eyes, full of love, expressed all his feelings.
I love you, Ling Miao said silently.
Su Yuyang put back the last bowl and pressed his hands on the counter next to the sink. He angled his head upward and took a deep breath then exhaled slowly. He did this several times before walking to the living room with a smile.
Ling Miao seemed to have fallen into a daze while watching. He didn’t notice that Su Yuyang was about to turn, so the moment Su Yuyang turned around, he met Ling Miao’s eyes, which were full of love.
Su Yuyang ran into the living room. He drew the panicked Ling Miao into a hug, kissed Ling Miao’s hair, and said agitatedly, “Xiao Miao, I know you have feelings for me, and I know it’s not real that you don’t care about me. After what happened, I fully understand your place in my life.”
Su Yuyang held on tighter to Ling Miao’s arm. Ling Miao’s hand was tightly pressed against Su Yuyang’s chest. He smelled the faint scent of soap on Su Yuyang’s clothes and his breathing grew shallow.
He breathed the scent that belonged to Su Yuyang in greedily; he wanted to impress it firmly in his mind.
Su Yuyang kissed Ling Miao’s forehead and murmured, “Xiao Miao, I want to go see your parents. Let’s go tomorrow.”
Ling Miao’s eyes shot open. He raised his head and his gaze met Su Yuyang’s laughing eyes. As Su Yuyang met Ling Miao’s gaze, he froze: Ling Miao’s eyes were filled with fear.
Ling Miao flinched and pushed Su Yuyang away. He rushed to Yan Li’s room. With a click, the door locked.
He wants to see my parents. Why so suddenly? Ling Miao paced back and forth uneasily.
“Xiao Miao!” Su Yuyang pounded on the door. “Xiao Miao, when you were unconscious I made up my mind that when you woke up we’d go see your parents. I’ll show them all the cards in my hand—I want to marry you!”
Ma… marry? Ling Miao’s legs went weak and he collapsed onto the floor. He wants to marry me, but… can someone like me marry him? I… I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough to marry him.
Hearing the commotion in the room, Su Yuyang panicked. He yelled, “Xiao Miao, wait for me. I’ll get the key.”
With trembling hands Su Yuyang pulled out some keys from his pouch, but the keys to both rooms looked about the same. There were four keys. The third key Su Yuyang tried opened the door.
“Xiao Miao!” As Su Yuyang opened the door he saw Ling Miao sitting on the ground. He helped Ling Miao up and asked worriedly, “Are you hurt?”
Ling Miao didn’t answer. He stared at Su Yuyang, then suddenly leaped into Su Yuyang’s arms and started crying loudly.
Su Yuyang stood there helplessly. Ling Miao’s cries, gradually growing louder, woke him from his daze. He patted Ling Miao’s back and said gently, “Tell me what’s the matter. If you keep it in your heart, you’ll be miserable and I’ll be even more miserable than you.”
Ling Miao didn’t say anything. He looked up at Su Yuyang, then stood on tiptoe and placed his lips over Su Yuyang’s.
Su Yuyang looked at Ling Miao in shock, but Ling Miao had his eyes closed and part of his face was blocked, so Su Yuyang couldn’t see his expression.
Su Yuyang held on to Ling Miao and spoke into Ling Miao’s ear the words that expressed his love: “Xiao Miao, I love you, so I won’t allow you to hurt yourself. I don’t know why you’re being so forward today, but I’m afraid that if we go all the way, you’ll regret it later. So, when we wake up, I’ll pretend nothing happened.”
When Ling Miao woke up, it was early morning. He shook his body and found it somewhat difficult to move. He moved Su Yuyang’s arm from his waist, then pulled back the blankets and slowly got out of bed.
Standing by the bedside, Ling Miao frowned as he looked at the man on the bed. He seemed to be making a difficult decision. After a long time, he finally moved.
One minute, ten minutes… Su Yuyang let out a whine, bringing Ling Miao back to his senses.
Yu, I love you, Ling Miao said silently.
Ling Miao watched Su Yuyang longingly. Several seconds later, he inhaled sharply, hardened his heart, and turned his head away. He walked to the desk, retrieved a stack of paper and a pen, then walked lightly out of the room.